A slightly dark guide to running for sedentary office workers terrified of death.

Athletes and/or competitive people need not apply.

  1. Stretch.
  2. Take every preconceived idea of what your body should be capable of, and any idea that you must appear cool/strong/fast and BURN IT WITH FIRE.
  3. Stretch post-workout.
  4. Invest in quality footwear.
  5. Stretch every day whether you workout or not.
  6. Run fast, far or frequent. Never pick more than one. It's ok to pick slow, short and rarely.
  7. Learn all the major muscle groups and how to stretch them.
  8. When you're passed by someone faster repeat this mantra: No competition but myself.
  9. Learn all the minor muscle groups and how to stretch them.
  10. When you don't want to run repeat this mantra: No motivation but the GAPING MAW OF EXISTENTIAL DREAD.
  11. Stretch before bed.
  12. Celebrate every single workout. Look yourself in the eye and say, "You fucking rocked it." I'm not kidding. You earned those endorphins.
  13. Stretch in the morning.
  14. Push yourself, but only a little. If it hurts, slow down. If it still hurts, stop and stretch. If it still hurts, go home and ice it.
  15. Leash your demons. Run from your guilt, depression, self-loathing, sadness and despair. They might as well do something good for you.
  16. Did I mention stretching?