A slightly dark guide to running for sedentary office workers terrified of death.
Athletes and/or competitive people need not apply.
- Stretch.
- Take every preconceived idea of what your body should be capable of, and any idea that you must appear cool/strong/fast and BURN IT WITH FIRE.
- Stretch post-workout.
- Invest in quality footwear.
- Stretch every day whether you workout or not.
- Run fast, far or frequent. Never pick more than one. It's ok to pick slow, short and rarely.
- Learn all the major muscle groups and how to stretch them.
- When you're passed by someone faster repeat this mantra: No competition but myself.
- Learn all the minor muscle groups and how to stretch them.
- When you don't want to run repeat this mantra: No motivation but the GAPING MAW OF EXISTENTIAL DREAD.
- Stretch before bed.
- Celebrate every single workout. Look yourself in the eye and say, "You fucking rocked it." I'm not kidding. You earned those endorphins.
- Stretch in the morning.
- Push yourself, but only a little. If it hurts, slow down. If it still hurts, stop and stretch. If it still hurts, go home and ice it.
- Leash your demons. Run from your guilt, depression, self-loathing, sadness and despair. They might as well do something good for you.
- Did I mention stretching?